January 2017 | Sherisse Alvarez

Guilt and Shame

Carrying around guilt and shame can be detrimental to our health and relationships. It comes from a place of feeling unworthy and sends the message to our subconscious that we aren’t entitled (to love, success, security, fulfillment). It’s a painful habit that keeps us small and separate from the life we want to be living.

Someone said to me today, “One can never have too much support.” I have been thinking about how that relates to the burden of guilt and shame many people have felt since childhood. The question that comes to mind is: what support do we need in order to make amends with ourselves?

We are often the ones we have hurt the most. As we become aware of these self-inflicted wounds, we get to make compassionate choices about our own healing. By taking loving action, we affirm our ability to appropriately nurture and care for ourselves (not by ourselves). We may still be fearful but the reality of our innocence becomes more evident. Our sense of worthiness expands.

Serenity Sans Perfection

How can we identify the next right action when things feel dark, our hearts feel heavy? When I get stuck in negative thinking, I will often use the serenity prayer: “god, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

I’m a big believer in following the joy even when it feels elusive. Getting onto paper what’s getting in the way of your joy is a good place to start. Let yourself be honest about your feelings and set aside judgment. Then commit to taking one small action. If the task feels overwhelming set a timer for 20 minutes and only do what you can in those 20 minutes. (Sometimes all I do is write out the serenity prayer a few times.)

And reward yourself, lovingly. Let this be enough. Once you’ve taken your action, move on. Don’t judge your progress. At this point what came before or what happens next is none of your business. You’ve done what you came here to do.

Attachment (Unmet Needs)

“Attachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs.”

–Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A., from the book, “Attached”

When I discovered attachment theory I finally understood why some partnerships were not destined to work in the long-term. It now made sense that certain relationships ended despite the deep love that had once existed. I had more acceptance and compassion for both myself and the partners who were no longer in my life.

According to attachment theory, there are three primary attachment styles: secure, anxious and avoidant. Getting to know which most apply to you can be beneficial as you navigate relationships of all kinds.

Most of us know that childhood has played a crucial role in forming who we are today. Understanding what that might mean from the perspective of attachment theory allows us to access a roadmap we might not otherwise have.

Re-parenting ourselves teaches us that we can stop waiting for others to meet our needs, but it also reveals that little growth happens in isolation. Interdependence works best when our most important relationships support who we are and truly want to be.

Expanding Into Self Love

What does it mean to fall in love with yourself? In order to answer this question, you first have to acknowledge the resistance that comes up around asking it. You may believe it’s egotistical or selfish or narcissistic. We’re a culture obsessed with falling in love with “the one.” To begin to shift your focus will feel foreign. But doing even just one nice thing for yourself each day will change how you show up in your relationships. It is like repeating an affirmation but living it instead of simply speaking it. Turning self-love into lived experience is like putting on fresh glasses: it begins to open up space for new possibility, new ways of relating to others and the world around you. It also reinforces to the subconscious that you wish to matter, and are ready to be wholly and completely visible in all areas of your life.

Walking Away (Beginner’s Mind)

It takes a fair amount of strength and courage to walk away from something, even when it no longer works for you. You may find all sorts of reasons to stay enmeshed – the job suddenly offers you more money, the partner finally commits to seeing a therapist – and, sure, there may still be things to learn, there always are. But once the red flags are clear they usually don’t disappear. You either learn to ignore them or you consent to their presence and spend a lot of energy dancing around them.

Without fully realizing it, you may be afraid to walk away: from the illusion of certainty, a steady paycheck or the prospect of companionship. But in order for the next plane to land, you must first clear the runway. This means recognizing the presence of fear and going for it anyway, because not doing that means you’ll always wonder what could have been. Making adequate room for what you really want starts with clearing away what you don’t want, what no longer serves you. Even if what no longer serves you is the familiar voice of a well-intentioned but fearful parent.

Embodying beginner’s mind means that you start to get curious, and in your curiosity you start to ask questions about perspective and possibility. It means that you don’t settle because you know in your gut that the universe is abundant, and that great things are available to you even in this very moment. It lets you dream big and play with the unfolding energy of all that is. Beginner’s mind is about engaging with all senses and fusing your own light with the light of the divine. It is at the heart of all desire, and it is what moves every living creature to action – innocently, hungrily.

Stealing

Stealing is a direct result of insecurity. If someone feels they don’t have enough (power, possessions, love) they will take what belongs to others in an attempt gain more ground. They will rarely steal only once because the drive stems from a deeper unmet need. Stealing, both overt and more subtle, can become a habit. Once a habit, it may no longer even feel like stealing; it takes on the form of entitlement. It may feel absolutely justified.

If others steal from us it can make us wildly angry; it can also teach us the importance of non-stealing: asteya in Sanskrit and one of the yogic ethical principles. It teaches us the dark energy that accompanies taking what is not ours, that in fact when we steal we affirm we do not have enough, that we are lacking and without. That when we steal we compromise our own integrity, and interrupt our sense of trust in others as well as ourselves.

(Optional) Suffering

We believe we have to suffer in order to learn and achieve, that it’s somehow just part of getting to the next level. That if there’s no suffering, there’s no growth. Our society and even spiritual communities promote this idea. What if we just abandoned the notion that we had to do life the hard way.

Those of us who come from families who’ve endured trauma are especially convinced suffering is necessary. We may have witnessed violence, or heard stories about violence that occurred before we were born. It has been absorbed into our psyche, our cellular being. And while we’re wired to be more sensitive and empathetic, we also seek out situations where suffering exists. To fix, to save. We repeat what we know in order to attempt correcting it.

We also know deep down that we have the opportunity to change the trajectory of our life, to intervene on our own behalf. And if we find ourselves in situations that are causing us to suffer we ought to ask ourselves why. What have we ever gained through suffering and did it benefit us in the long term? Pain is unavoidable, but suffering is optional.

7 Questions for Your Future Self

What makes you feel most alive?

What are some of your greatest accomplishments?

How have you gotten to where you are today?

For what or whom are you most grateful?

Is there anything you regret?

What wisdom can you offer me now?

What is the next right action?

Betrayal (Reclaiming Our Power)

When another person betrays your trust, you feel like a victim. It is human and natural to sulk. Do. But then step outside the smallness of victim-mind. Take a deep, expansive breath. Check out what else is available. To stand in your power is to understand that you are not and have never been a victim, that you have options – even when it feels like your back is up against the wall.

When someone harms you – especially a relative, partner, or teacher – you may be triggered to the point of acting out. And while acting out does, in fact, give you some very temporary relief, it does not provide any long-term solutions. Even if your actions are directed at the perpetrator, you are the one who suffers most deeply. In an attempt to gain the upper hand, you forfeit your own sense of well-being and serenity.

Taking a step back from the situation allows you to feel the hurt but not be governed by it. It empowers you to make decisions that are sane and aligned with your core values. There is wisdom in anger (your nervous system is signaling to you that there’s an unmet need to address), but knowing that you have choices frees you up immensely: physically, mentally and spiritually.

Realizing that you don’t have to act immediately, allows some of the charge of the moment to dissipate. You can go for a silent walk or reach out to a compassionate friend or write a letter you don’t send. What these pauses offer is so much greater than the high (and inevitable low) that comes from harming yourself in the name of getting even. Isn’t it preferable to focus on your resourcefulness? The alternative is like eating poison and expecting the other person to die.

Acting As If

You know when it’s time for change, your body lets you know. You may choose to ignore the signs because you’re afraid of what change might mean but at the end of the day, there’s no denying it.

If you’ve been at this job or in this relationship for a while it can be even more difficult. Unknowingly, you may be re-creating a childhood dynamic. You have become accustomed to the routine, attached to particular patterns. (You take the same train to the same stop every weekday at approximately the same time. In the office you sit at the same desk, see the same group of people and perform largely the same tasks.) You may simultaneously cling to this routine and wonder why you can’t achieve a sense of wellbeing, why your mood is dark and you feel emotionally hung-over. Why you are chronically blue.

A friend once asked me, “Is the worst thing that can happen really the worst thing?” Probably not.

Reluctance to start over is the central reason you stay stuck in situations you have outgrown, situations which may have become toxic. You have no idea yet what starting over means but sameness you can rely on. Acting as if it means that you take a leap of faith, honor your intuition and trust in divine guidance. Looking honestly at your fears – and observing which are likely just other people’s projections – helps to re-frame your approach to change. Sometimes you have to jump because that is the only way the net will appear.