April 2017 | Sherisse Alvarez

Letting in Love

It is possible that physical intimacy has not always been safe for you. This may be the result of past abuse or neglect. Each of these has different effects on the life of the individual.

We may reach a point in our development as adults where we crave connection with others but don’t know how to satisfy that yearning. Instead we turn to addictive behaviors that have served as outlets for self-soothing. The outcome is often a feeling of isolation and reinforcing that we are unlovable.

Healthy modes of receiving love include safe touch, cuddling, intimacy that reinforces our own agency. This may come through participation in events or classes that foster healing, or nurturing one-on-one environments.

Whatever modality we choose — and we may try several before we find what resonates — the goal is to bring with us a sense of wonder and curiosity. To trust the feedback we receive from our body in the process.

As we begin to notice our patterns and the ways that we keep love out, we also start to recognize how others respond. When we begin to share more honestly, we notice that others reciprocate. By allowing ourselves to be fully present, we engage with the energy of love at a deeper level.

Fear of Feeling

When we tune into our bodies in a new way we start to feel unfamiliar sensations. Stored emotions and memories surface. This can be alarming when there’s no seemingly clear and “appropriate” path to expression.

We don’t have to be afraid of our own vulnerability. When we give ourselves permission to share about this somatic process, new insights reveal themselves. Safe containers for experience emerge.

Much like a tree, there is raw power residing within our being. Feeling it come alive energizes and mobilizes us. Because it can be intense, we give this energy the space and time that it needs to unfold. One sensation at a time, with curiosity as our guide.

On Quitting and Bliss

“It my not have turned out to be a happily ever after, but most certainly there is now a fresh Once upon a time waiting for you from this day forward.”

-Clarissa Pinkola Éstes, Women Who Run With the Wolves

Many of us have been conditioned to never quit. By our family, teachers, society. To stay in a situation that may not be working despite our better judgement. Environments that disturb our sense of well-being. That mimic abusive relationships and deplete our energy.

The very notion of quitting can be daunting, may cause us to spiral into self-doubt. We may wonder whether we deserve better, whether there even is a better. But believing in our ability to thrive — in our deservedness — means that we trust our intuition, follow our inner knowing.

Sometimes that will involve letting go, saying goodbye. It does not mean we have failed, that we are failure. Instead it signifies courage, that we are living by our values and higher purpose.

Facing our fear of change can be postponed but we will feel unfulfilled until we do. Like something is missing, out of place, even out of control. We feel unable to make decisions because our mind is preoccupied and our nervous system over-burdened. Other areas of our life suffer.

Embracing our true value will almost certainly feel unfamiliar at first, especially if we have tolerated a dysfunctional or toxic situation. Starting over is acknowledging that something no longer takes care of us. That we have a right to design our life, to say YES to our bliss.

As we close one door another inevitably opens. This is the way the universe remains in dynamic flow and we see this all the time in nature. What we find before us, when we become willing to look, is always greater (and less frightening) than what we imagined.

Nostalgia and Suffering

Nostalgia can be a slippery slope. It leads us away from the present and into the past. The felt sense of nostalgia may be a kind of ache in our belly or shortness of breath. When we feel these sensations we may act impulsively as a way to escape the uncomfortable.

How does it feel to just pause and notice what’s alive in us? Full stop.

For those with a history of depression or anxiety, nostalgia may be a trigger. Its presence may be a sign that we’re sliding in the direction of suffering. When we feel this happening we can shift our awareness to the present moment — our environment, sounds, breath.

As we begin to notice the always-changing nature of our mind, we also become more attuned to our thoughts. Recognizing that our thoughts and emotions are intertwined, we aim to notice what is arising in us. We then use discernment to decide what we take and what we leave.

Choosing Our Response

When we are scared, we act out. We direct our fear at another person when what we truly want is to be heard and understood. Or, we may need information and clarity but we don’t know how to get it so we react unnecessarily.

Ultimately we wish to have our needs met, to feel supported and held. When this isn’t immediately available we jump to conclusions, or play God. This places stress on our bodies, our relationships and our lives.

Noticing when we’re being taken over by fear happens only when we slow down, when we stop to look at the root causes of our negative thinking. Then we can be at choice about our response and our mood.

To choose our words and behaviors mindfully inevitably creates a sense of safety. This leads to feelings of trust and well-being. It allows us to feel supported as we relate to others and to circumstances we cannot control.

Somatic Intelligence

We assume that all somatic practices deepen our awareness and experience of the body. This isn’t so. There are ways to remember and ways to forget who we are.

Embodied inquiry requires intention and desire and is often made significant by pain or difficulty.

I have studied with teachers who understood the body to be composed of both gross and subtle sensation. I have also been instructed to push and harden in pursuit of structural articulation.

Without the integration of breath — dynamic and responsive expansion and contraction — there can be little somatic intelligence.

Exciting is the possibility, for example, that there is more to yoga than the physical poses commonly taught in the West today. These spiritual and philosophical elements are integral to our understanding of the transformative qualities of embodiment.

These principles inform and deepen our capacity for change. They originate in the feeling-knowing body and must be experienced holistically from the inside out.

Planning Wellness

As a way of being intentional about our healing, we sometimes find it helpful to create wellness plans. What’s great about this tool is that it serves as a written or spoken commitment and creates accountability.

Plans can be shared with a coach, therapist, recovery buddy or even our higher power. They are also flexible: things can be added or taken away depending on what we discover in the process. We may find, for example, that we’re being disciplined but lacking self-care.

We can try out something new for a week or two and see how it feels. This might include going for walks in nature; reading soothing literature; using essential oils to calm the mind; doing Reiki or dance or meditation. The point is to remain open-hearted and open-minded so we don’t become too rigid.

We don’t want our wellness plan to be stressful; here we are creating a nurturing space. We can imagine it, visually, as a field or forest. Here we play and roam and explore. It allows us to release the pressures of our day, step away from the busyness of our lives. Here we incorporate simple actions that truly support our overall health and happiness.

In Search of (Male) Healers

Many women I know and work with have experienced some form of abuse. Their abusers have been, primarily, men. What this has meant for several of them is that they have a difficult time trusting men even when they wish to. Or they recreate situations that put them in danger and leave them feeling victimized. I have had my own experiences, not unlike theirs, and have learned to identify behavior that mimics past trauma.

What I want to say about this now is that we are highly intelligent sentient beings. Everything that we do serves a purpose in the grand scheme of our life. Each time we make a choice we have an opportunity to claim dysfunction or health. We don’t always choose wisely because loving and protecting ourselves is something we have to learn. If we were not taught adequate self-care then we must seek out these skills before we can implement them. That doesn’t make us wrong or bad.

Women who have been hurt by men will either avoid men altogether or they will create opportunities for healing. I have found that power comes from connecting with men and discovering that I can be both vulnerable and safe. This has taught me to trust my own judgement and to set boundaries when necessary. Connecting with the opposite gender has supported my growth creatively, intellectually and spiritually. But this isn’t always so, doesn’t always feel available.

Men who consciously help women heal deserve to be recognized and honored. They should know just how transformative their kindness can be, and how necessary their role. To be able to hold that space for a woman — whether through mindful listening, safe touch, sexual pleasure — is sacred. In our highly patriarchal culture any gesture that nurtures feminine wisdom and health deserves our attention and appreciation.

Abiding in Curiosity

Coaching is all about asking questions and not being attached to a particular answer. It loves possibility and the unknown. It is in this space of embodied inquiry that we discover new ideas and solutions. When we identify a habit or situation that no longer serves us, we give that thing a shape by naming it; we honor it by acknowledging its role and function. Analysis is not necessarily the goal; we understand that transformation is rarely linear. Because of this each coaching session will be unique. There will also be a common thread: the articulation of our desire. We keep coming back to this as a way to remember who we are, our purpose, our innate gifts. By staying curious about what is not yet known, we remain free. Free to begin again, to make choices we didn’t even know were available to us.

Fantasy as Escape

Most people who have experienced abuse — particularly as young children — resort to fantasy as a way to escape trauma. This can be a helpful, even life-saving, coping strategy. While this mechanism serves the child, it doesn’t always serve the adult.

Fantasy, when taken too far, interrupts our lives and negatively impacts our health — physical, mental and spiritual. We flee our own reality in search of something “better” only to be left feeling empty and disoriented. One example of this is a survivor of childhood abuse who becomes addicted to pornography. What starts as fantasy, later becomes compulsion and a source of shame.

Anything that negatively impacts our self-esteem must be examined. Fantasy may be healthy to the extent that it supports our playfulness and curiosity. If we find ourselves spending the majority of our time in narratives that are not aligned with reality, we can set an intention to come back to the present. If necessary, we ask others for help or join a support group.

We can also ask the adult what she needs right here and now. As we practice re-parenting the parts of ourselves that had to leave, our sense of safety grows. We begin to feel more at home in our own skin and self-love replaces the void we once felt.