“And I think about how I need to say all this. This is who I am. I am not what you allow me to be. Whatever you decide me to be.”
–Michelle Cliff, from the essay If I Could Write This in Fire, I Would Write This in Fire
There are times when I am reminded that I am not being fully myself, when I suddenly become aware of the fact that I have been hiding. I might be in conversation with a friend who says something to me about sexuality or gender and I realize that I am “passing” not intentionally, but perhaps conveniently.
For many of us bringing the whole package often feels like too much. We have been indoctrinated to believe we must hide, limit, edit out. We assume there is just no room for the entire self to show up. Why would there be? We have been fragmenting and splitting off since early childhood.
The other side is that we don’t want to perform, be put on the spot, made fun of, objectified. We are afraid. Hiding can feel like the simplest solution, a shortcut that will get us where we want to go. Often when we get there, however, we realize that we have left parts of ourselves behind and we not only miss them, we need them. We need them to be able to function effectively. To be fully integrated and empowered. To be truthful.