January 2017 | Page 3 of 3 | Sherisse Alvarez

Gratitude and Birds

We now know that gratitude is good for us, that taking the time to acknowledge our blessings positively affects our chemistry. Our outlook changes. It creates a sense of spaciousness in our bodies.

I asked a client recently how she knew that she was grateful. She had been talking about improved communication with her partner. “I feel it,” she said smiling. “Close your eyes and notice where you feel it,” I said. She slowly closed her eyes and took a deep breath. A few moments later the reflection of a bird in flight appeared near where she was sitting.

Gratitude has its own energy, it moves things, clears obstacles.

When my client opened her eyes she described where in her body she felt the pleasure of gratitude. Something had shifted in her; she said she wanted more of it. A new appreciation for her role in the relationship had emerged, for what might still be under the surface.

Gratitude is a kind of aperture through which we see where we have been, and where we want to go. It allows us to expand our vision for what is possible because it makes clear how much we already have. We begin to understand on a somatic level that our lives are abundant because each day is filled with its own precious magic.

Intimacy

Intimacy is inextricably linked to vulnerability. If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten. How does that serve us? Well, it serves us if we want to stay locked in our patterns and habits but not so much if we want to expand and grow.

We’ve all been in situations that seem, on the surface, like they’re about intimacy and connection. An indication that they’re not is that there’s more push than yield – more exerting than receiving – and in the yield we’re way too vulnerable, even untrusting. When there’s imbalance our desire to experience closeness actually causes us pain.

I’m curious. What can we do today to balance yield (where we let go fully and allow flow to happen) and push (where we use will and exert energy)? Experiencing this play not only deepens our awareness of intimacy – with ourselves, nature, the divine – it also brings us more fully into grace where vulnerability ceases to scare us.

“Trust Me.”

Others will ask us, either implicitly or explicitly, to trust them. In some cases, and depending on our level of trauma, we will politely decline. We might simply smile or bite our tongue when the issue is raised but deep down we feel unmoored. Your history with this person – lover, friend, boss – is just a bit too murky.

We know by now, at least intellectually, that it’s a good idea to listen to our gut. Sometimes we need more practice and these moments of uncertainty remind us of that. We want to be willing to go all in, but something has us on high alert. We are not at ease.

When we don’t trust fully we inevitably watch from the sidelines, we half participate, we are always waiting for something more solid to come along because we are tense and on edge and uncomfortable. We may use palliative solutions to cover up the dis-ease, cling to experiences that give us temporary relief. Those experiences do a good job of distracting us but we know we’re operating from a place of fight, flight, or freeze.

Our nervous system lets us know we’re out of sync. We are tired and disoriented, we make mistakes or even accidentally hurt ourselves. We can only go so far in this state before we have to question the whole paradigm. What got us here in the first place and is this where we wish to be?

Awareness, Acceptance, Action

Falling in love (with a person, your work, your experience) happens through a series of opportunities. It’s not a straight shot. It leaks in through small openings over time. It happens when we feel seen, valued, when we are affirmed.

And so you might for a long time dutifully perform your obligations, and then wake up one day and realize that the ship has sailed. Now you have a decision to make. There is some numbness to shake off, questions to be asked.

Not knowing is unpleasant but curiosity can be a great friend. Curiosity about the next move, the next action. The direction we receive may be to take no action at all, to simply become aware, to accept exactly where we are right now, in this moment. Without judgment or regret or animosity.

Breathing in we can think: let. Breathing out, we can think: go. What new opportunity does this spaciousness provide? Going inside to check it out is quite possibly just enough.

What’s Her Title?

I was speaking to a male colleague recently about job titles and whether they matter, and to what degree they ought to be earned versus given. The conversation felt gendered, not entirely neutral.

It seems to me that people are able to step fully into a role when we appropriately name it. Others are expected to perform and play the part for a long while before they will be considered worthy.

An article published last year in New York Magazine talks about retaining female employees by paying them more, giving them work that matches their interests and skills. We know that women still tend to earn less than men but what was compelling was the bit about actively keeping women engaged through work that is meaningful to them. Right? Of course.

Titles and money, on their own, aren’t enough. But they are a start, and we must start somewhere.

Articulating Needs

What’s interesting about needs is that they become clearer as we articulate them, even if only to ourselves initially. That’s why journaling or writing a letter before a challenging conversation can be so helpful. What exactly do you want? How might you ask for it?

As we speak up and find our voice around needs, the universe begins to make space for them. Unexpected phone calls come in, new discoveries are made, powerful synchronicities happen. You might be on the subway and someone trying to solve a crossword puzzle says the very word you needed to hear. Something resonates inside of you. You look up and are suddenly more awake, more alive.

Articulating needs brings us closer to our truth and when we are more tuned in to truth, a string of these seeming “coincidences” can occur within a very short time. When this happens we are being divinely guided; we are being handed a precious map.

Compartments

We compartmentalize in many parts of our lives, and for precisely that reason: we see our lives in parts. Duty and obligation over here, for example, passion and freedom over there. And we do this for a very long time because we simply take it as a given that each box will maintain its shape, but sometimes the boxes don’t work, they fall apart, their very existence drains us. Keeping them all separate depletes the psyche, keeps us up at night, alienates the people we care about.

What would it look like to live, even if just for one hour, without the compartments? To merge love and work, play and responsibility, creativity and production. To make something altogether new – not a new compartment, but a new way of relating to the self as whole.

Courage

Brene Brown has been quoted as saying that courage is to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.

I believe her.

I believe her not because of what she looks like or how she speaks. I believe her because I have a physical, somatic experience when I hear those words.

Space opens up inside of me, some part of me aligns with something greater. I have the willingness to sit down on the kitchen floor with my laptop and write. Something says: go for it, without holding back. I lose myself in the best sense of the word.

Courage means going for the play, the joy, the uncertainty. It means don’t just sit back and watch, but share and share truthfully. Share in the spirit of love.

Sacred Calling

Part of the reason I dropped out of high school (and later went back to college) is that I have always been interested in this notion of sacred calling, but didn’t know what to call it at the time.

I know that my favorite subjects were things that seemed to be undervalued: spirituality, writing, artmaking. I know that I felt a bit like an academic nomad and that I struggled to make sense of my experience.

If I’d been a student in a place other than New York City, I suspect that I would have felt completely lost. Instead, I cobbled together experiences that made me feel at home in my skin: I learned how to make pictures in a darkroom; call shows as a stage manager; write poems.

But then, like so many of us and despite my achievements, I hid. I went away, I fled, I called in sick.

I now understand, more than ever, that sacred calling is a very real thing. If we ignore it it will literally make us ill until we are willing to wake up and follow its lead.

Authoring Yes

It’s easy for some of us to do what others want. We think it makes things simpler; we’ll avoid conflict and get to the front of the line faster.

The truth is it often makes us resentful. You may not notice it right away but over time we can habitually put self-care on the shelf in order to please the other.

Why does this matter? It only matters if you want real connection and meaningful, long-lasting relationships. And most of us do. That’s what we’re after. That’s why we’re here: in this job, in this partnership, having this conversation.

Check in with yourself the next time you have a choice between yes and no. Are you choosing what you truly want (and need), or merely an auto-pilot response? Imagine yourself saying no or not now. Notice what gets freed up inside you. How does that energy want to be used?