January 2017 | Page 2 of 3 | Sherisse Alvarez

Happiness, Emptiness

Where can happiness be found? Is it inside or outside of us? These are questions spiritual teachers have been asking since the beginning of time. They are human questions, resonating with our deepest longing. They can be difficult questions to ask; the inquiry itself puts us in touch with our wanting, and also our emptiness.

The Sanskrit word for emptiness is sunyata and it does not mean exactly the same thing. In English the word has a slightly negative connotation but in Sanskrit the word is more of an invitation to be with what is. In the West we systematically run from our emptiness, we are scared of the void.

But what if the void contained possibility and opening. What if in that opening we could feel into something much greater and larger than ourselves. And if everything we needed and were striving for was housed there. Can we imagine how we would want to show up for that version of happiness?

Routine and Play

How do we create healthy habits but avoid getting overwhelmed and stressed about our routine? One way to maintain balance is to introduce some form of spiritual or somatic practice. They may even be the same thing since reawakening the body will realign us with spirit. People will tell us that moderation is the missing ingredient and, yes, moderation certainly helps but what good is it if we are disconnected from our true nature? If we look around we understand that health can actually be harder to attain than success. In our culture of excess, overdoing is often celebrated. The real work begins when we’ve achieved a goal but return to the silence to see what’s there. And the real work begins when we simply play, bravely allowing what’s no longer needed to fall away.

Embracing Disappointment (Self and Other)

We spend a lot of energy masking our disappointment. When another person unexpectedly shares their own, we re-learn that we are a human amongst other humans – searching, striving, imperfect. Their sharing disarms us because it mirrors back our own fragility as well as our resilience. To connect in a meaningful way with the disappointment of another is to honor our own grief. This allowing reminds us to relate tenderly to pain, giving it the space that it needs. States of being are fluid and ever-changing; they need our attention and our friendship. Caring about the suffering of another requires that we befriend our own, that we touch into the ache we are often on the verge of ignoring.

Anatomy of Wellness

Self-care is a compelling subject. Like so many other skills, it really must be cultivated. It is not always modeled for us and, in fact, growing up we may have witnessed many examples of the opposite: self-soothing through drugs, alcohol, food, TV, pornography.

To make sense of addiction as a young person is impossible. Instead we inherit confusion and somatic habits that lead not to self-care but self-loathing. We create and play out destructive narratives. How we process these states of trance varies and is further affected by gender, race, class, orientation.

How do we embody wellness and self-care? We begin somewhere. First and foremost, we follow the joy. If joy is solitude or more time in nature or pursuing a creative project, that is where we look. With curiosity, wonder. Self-care is always available to us, generally it can be found near the beating heart at the center of pleasure.

Loyalty Does Not Equal Happiness

Loyalty is defined as a strong feeling of support or allegiance. Allegiance is a commitment of a subordinate to a superior or of an individual to a group or cause. Synonyms of allegiance are fidelity, obedience, devotion. These terms mean different things to different people but many of us strive to be loyal and allegiant.

We are often surprised when relationships where we have been loyal, fail. We expect loyalty to deepen intimacy, to give us a sense of ground. We may have even been martyrs, so why aren’t we getting what we want?

Loyalty does not guarantee happiness. It offers a false sense of security while setting us up for resentment. When the other person doesn’t give us what we want, what we believe we have earned and deserve, we feel let down, angry.

If we have worked so hard at something that we feel victimized when there’s failure, then we learn we don’t have to work so hard. We aim to match the energy of the other person or situation. Perhaps we have received everything we need from this relationship. Wouldn’t we rather know that than keep going to the hardware store for oranges, wishing for it to be different?

We all do better work when we’re happy, not loyal.

The Pain Body (Moving Towards Joy)

The body is always speaking to us. It repeatedly and actively lets us know what it needs. If we are too distracted to notice, the body develops symptoms. They may be subtle at first and more acute over time. These physical symptoms are a manifestation of unmet needs, emotional voids that want our compassionate attention. This system we call the body is not only wise, it is completely connected to source wisdom.

I coached with someone recently who struggles with chronic pain. As we talked, I felt strongly that her body had a message for her. For years it had been trying to get her attention but she had been unwilling or unable to stop and hear what it was wanting to say. We sat and listened together to what the pain was communicating. The act of simply making space – and turning towards the discomfort rather than away from it – transformed, in that very moment, her experience of pain.

When we have pain our first instinct is usually to run from it, to do things that will make the pain go away, to medicate. We don’t want to be uncomfortable and, often subconsciously, we fear what is on the other side of that discomfort. The irony is, however, that the symptom is merely trying to bring us closer to our truth. Pain, if we welcome it, can be a teacher pointing us in the direction of joy.

Future Self: Embodying Our Essence

Many of us are doing what we think we must do, what’s expected of us. We’re in a certain kind of relationship, doing a certain job, working towards making a certain amount of money. It’s possible somewhere along the way someone else made these decisions for us and, like obedient schoolchildren, we’re simply following instructions. We’ve forgotten to ask ourselves whether these choices truly serve us, whether they make us happy.

Perhaps we’re not ready to take full responsibility for our life. Or no one modeled this for us. Or we dread making the wrong choice. Plus, we have obligations and we can’t just do whatever we want. We have other people to consider: our family, our friends, colleagues, bosses. We want to look good in their eyes, we want their approval and admiration.

If the role we’re playing isn’t true to who we are then we’re just just filling in until (hopefully) something better comes along. We’re living in fantasy and simultaneously denying our essence. Dare to ask the questions: where would I most like to be ten years from now? What desires have I been burying, postponing? Then embody your future self. Let her answer the question. Let her tell you how to get there.

Vision Boards: Intention and Play

Vision boards are a way of affirming what we want. They move us from imagination to action and they help us visualize by putting image and language to thought. They realign us with our values by reminding us to focus on what most matters to us.

Some of us have never stopped to ask ourselves what we truly want our life to look and feel like. We may have been so focused on taking care of other people that we lack intimacy with ourselves. When circumstances change – a relationship ends, we leave a job, children move out – we may suddenly be forced to re-evaluate our priorities. At first we may welcome the opportunity but then inertia sets in. We aren’t sure what the next right action is so we simply wait. We may not realize it right away but chances are we are waiting for something external to change: a new lover or career or living arrangement.

Unconsciously we may also be waiting for someone to give us permission. We’re waiting for that permission because we don’t feel entitled. No one ever told us that we can manifest whatever we desire. Or, perhaps someone did tell us but then hurt us (or themselves) in some way and so now we doubt and question reality.

When we start to align with our desires we also start to align with purpose. Mapping out our desires on a vision board begins to give us that permission we have been seeking. It moves us from inertia to action in an intentional yet playful way. And intention and playfulness are two sides of the same coin, both vital to the experience of happiness. Living in this way, and inviting in our bliss, requires our full participation.

The Truth of Who We Are

“And I think about how I need to say all this. This is who I am. I am not what you allow me to be. Whatever you decide me to be.”

–Michelle Cliff, from the essay If I Could Write This in Fire, I Would Write This in Fire

There are times when I am reminded that I am not being fully myself, when I suddenly become aware of the fact that I have been hiding. I might be in conversation with a friend who says something to me about sexuality or gender and I realize that I am “passing” not intentionally, but perhaps conveniently.

For many of us bringing the whole package often feels like too much. We have been indoctrinated to believe we must hide, limit, edit out. We assume there is just no room for the entire self to show up. Why would there be? We have been fragmenting and splitting off since early childhood.

The other side is that we don’t want to perform, be put on the spot, made fun of, objectified. We are afraid. Hiding can feel like the simplest solution, a shortcut that will get us where we want to go. Often when we get there, however, we realize that we have left parts of ourselves behind and we not only miss them, we need them. We need them to be able to function effectively. To be fully integrated and empowered. To be truthful.

The Roar of Anger

Anger is a fierce emotion. Many of us, especially women, grow up thinking we shouldn’t feel or express it. When it comes to anger we can be quite numb and unwilling or unable to access it. When it does surface it can leave us feeling raw and torn open. If we’re unsure how to navigate it, or reluctant even to rub against it, anger will certainly have its way with us.

Something happens with anger when we stop relying on our addictions, major as well as minor, those disguised even as harmless distraction. First, there’s withdrawal – a reluctant shedding that disturbs our entire being. Then, we actually start to feel the depth of all that has been stored and locked away. When these feelings awaken it can be like unleashing a starving lion. There’s no stopping the animal unless, of course, we sedate it once again. We often do. We spend countless hours pursuing sedation, even entire lifetimes.

When anger first begins to emerge in us it can be like a violent belly ache. It can cause us pain and give birth to grief. It can also be exhilarating, providing energy and reminding us of our inherent power and wisdom. It can jolt us out of a kind of psychic sleep and move us swiftly into necessary action. Working with anger takes patient practice, but inviting the lion in can be humbling – integral to our healing, our becoming whole and fully alive.