In any relationship the less developed aspects of our personality will be mirrored back to us. We often cling to some notion of who we think we are. And in some circles we may in fact be that person: gracious and generous and kind. But in some relationships, particularly (ironically) those where there is greater intimacy, our buttons will get pushed and we will react in a way that alarms us.
We have all found ourselves there, in claustrophobic interactions where our desire for healthy communication gets undermined. Where we trip and fall and bump into reactivity. Tara Brach talks about pausing in those moments and asking yourself what it is you are believing. When I find myself in that tense place with a loved one, often what I am believing is that I am not enough.
I’ll give you an example of this. When someone speaks to me while I am writing, I perceive it as an interruption. I easily lose my concentration and as a result I feel irritated. Now, instead of pausing and gently explaining that I need solitude, I sometimes get angry and then frustrated with myself for becoming agitated. If I ask myself what the belief is, it’s that I don’t have enough time. And if I don’t have enough time I will fall behind; I will somehow be letting myself and others down.
I don’t have the emotional space in the heat of the moment to sort all of this out. But I can practice awareness and be better prepared. I might say, “Next time this happens, how can I respond differently?” I can ask the other person to help me stay awake and grounded in love. That may mean coming up with creative solutions that feel scripted and awkward at first. That is okay. Once we begin to show up fully, we begin to see the other as a whole being, capable and deserving of care. Communicating needs today means that there will be less to repair tomorrow.