In most situations where triangulation exists, there is the symbol of mother, father, child. Depending on our upbringing, this can trigger conflicting feelings in us that are hard to make sense of. If we repeatedly find ourselves part of a triad, we may be attempting to heal some part of that primary relationship with our caregivers. There is nothing inherently wrong with this dynamic unless it re-injures or traumatizes us in some way. If we feel consistently depleted or confused, we are likely trying to fix an old wound. Perhaps our father was absent and our mother was a narcissist, so we felt invisible or unsafe. If we can name where the hurt originates we can more clearly identify the underlying need.
I was once part of a triangle with two older male coworkers. One of the men symbolized a projection of my mother and the other, a projection of my father. I seemed to be working hard to win their affection and, on the surface, I seemed to be getting it. They were polite and welcoming. The problem was that the triad was an illusion that, for various reasons, couldn’t be sustained. They were not friends and I felt myself “in the middle,” and objectified. Eventually I stopped engaging with both of these men. It felt like a loss not because we had developed a true bond, but because it triggered old grief I’d not fully processed. The relationship was an attempt at somatic completion.
In triangulation, we often aim to fill voids with people. There is the underlying charge of the triad that often keeps un engaged, against our better judgement. What we are attempting to find is balance, nurturing, understanding. If we lacked these as children, we will inevitably be hungry for them as adults. Triangles seem to promise comfort but may lack emotional connection. If we experienced abandonment or abuse we will likely repeat these patterns in relationship. If what we are seeking is to recover from the past, we can ask ourselves what we need. The answers will bubble up if we are courageous enough to ask the question. Honesty will always move us in the direction of true belonging.