Blog on Transformative Life Coaching

The Bus on the Bridge

An event that occurs and seemingly gets in our way can actually be viewed as a precious teaching. How to shift from one perspective to the other is an interesting psychic space to examine. There is fierce resistance, the grip of fear and pang of memory. We sometimes feel held hostage by the circumstances.

Upon further examination we discover it is thought that has the capacity to move us either towards darkness or light, illness or wellness. When we are smack in the middle of our situation it appears we are our thinking. There is no distinction. We believe (and feel, somatically) that I and thought are one. This is an illusion. The gap that exists, sometimes tiny and unrecognizable, is what allows us to access our knowing, intuition, and higher self.

Underneath (or above) the noise of busy living, she exists. Here she stretches and expands, yawns open and reaches lovingly for our attention. This is how we know we are not only alive but sentient and connected to divine, loving forces. This connection is what allows us to intimately relate to our soul, mind, and heart; what inspires us to action and what compels us to contemplate. It gives us balance, variation, stability.

Most of us have been on a bus on the bridge. It’s a relatable image. We can say that the bus represents mind; the water below the bridge represents thought. The bridge is the permeable layer between mind and thought.

When we take a bus ride in the morning we experience ourselves as merged with mind, place, thought, movement – the event. Later in the day, however, we sense some distance between who we are and that bus ride. The event occurred but it no longer shapes or defines us.

Realizing that we are not our thoughts — that the Self is pure and therefore cannot be wedded to any thing, experience, place — means that issues are not fixed or permanent. They are not who we are because who we are exists beyond this one moment. It doesn’t mean we are exempt from experiencing it but it does give us the freedom to choose how we relate to problems.

Agency and Thought

Thoughts have the power to either make us well or make us sick. When we’re not paying attention to the content of our thinking we may be blindsided by its effect on our mood. To “feel your feelings” in a somatic sense means getting to know what’s underneath the thinking, like looking under the hood of a car. It’s to get familiar with the engine. Doing this regularly means we will be better acquainted with the ups and downs and the in betweens. We will judge ourselves less and accept our process more fully knowing that the experience of feeling is universal. With thinking, we pause before we react and notice when the thoughts are leading us down a rabbit hole. Creating space around highly charged events lets us see more clearly what we need and how to appropriately get those needs met. There is no shame in that; it is the responsible thing to identify and address what is off balance. The more we do this the less likely we will be to run into obstacles in relationships. While obstacles are a natural part of life, they are also a by-product of thought. To begin, therefore, with clarity of thought is to recall our agency.

Changing the Channel

When we’re stuck on the same things that keep getting in our way, it’s hard to see a way out. Changing the emotional channel gives us greater access to peace of mind. Here are some ideas for tuning into what we need and listening to our heart’s desire. The effect is that greater somatic healing can occur, transforming us and making us more available for all the gifts our life has to offer. Some of these are very specific and may not be suitable for everyone but I offer them as suggestions. These are actions that can be taken only once or done regularly for increased well-being.

1. Write a letter from the perspective of your child self
2. Write a letter to god
3. Ask your future self for guidance
4. EFT or Tapping
5. Experience the healing power of nature by getting outside
6. Clear space in your home so that new energy can flow in
7. Listen to a guided meditation
8. Make a gratitude list
9. Attend a 12 Step in-person or phone meeting
10. Do some simple, focused breathing

Assemblage of Healing

Somatic healing happens in unexpected ways, in situations and with people that may surprise us. If we have survived trauma, we may struggle with issues of trust and self-esteem. It can take time to re-connect with our truth and inner guidance as these signals may not always know how to find appropriate expression.

If we have experienced abuse or neglect our system has been or still is in shock. We may be able to function “normally” but feel scrambled inside. We have relationships and jobs but are sometimes grief-stricken, unfulfilled and lonely.

Healing doesn’t necessarily have a beginning and ending and it’s rarely linear. It comes to us clumsily and in parts like pieces of furniture that need to be assembled. We must make meaning of these fragments and arrange them as we see fit. There will be no permission or manual. Being perfect is not a pre-requisite and making mistakes is allowed.

Entering Into Agreements

At certain times in our life we may feel pressure to enter into agreements (with partners, spouses, institutions) before we’re truly ready. What this creates is tension both internally and externally; rarely is either party pleased.

When we’re able to let go, even for a few moments or a few days, the energy around the situation starts to shift. Without the push, there is inevitably yield. There is breath, spaciousness, release.

There are times when the other insists because they see no other way. We inevitably retract. It is an awkward dance, uncomfortable to watch. However, the growth comes when the rope is dropped. That is the experience of ease, acceptance of what is (or isn’t) so.

In any relationship there exists a delicate balance between presence and surrender. If we feel that we are being over-powered we may surrender to the point of retreat. When that happens we shrink and experience ourselves as passive, invisible. This is not an agreement that would support or inspire us.

When we’re moving in the direction of an agreement that doesn’t feel right to us, we can stop and ask what we’re trying to prove. If there’s fear, we give it an opportunity to reveal itself. With our commitment to living authentically comes a relationship with our inner voice. By embracing this guidance we put Self first.

Intentional Connection

It helps to clarify what our intentions are when establishing a new relationship. Getting clear on our values guides us in this process. Also, knowing what kind of relationship we want now (even if it changes later) — friendship, love, community — helps us establish appropriate boundaries.

Friendship and love have their place and serve a necessary function in our lives. However, attachment to particular people generally leaves us feeling disappointed. Situations change; we also change and grow.

Being in community serves a different purpose: it helps us to be of service, to connect and collaborate with others, and reminds us that we are part of something greater.

If we find ourselves getting lost in relationship, it is useful to take a step back and ask what our expectations are and whether they are helping or hurting us. It’s also important to ask whether our needs are being met and, if the answer is no, to examine why we might be clinging.

Letting go of friendships or leaving communities that no longer serve us can be painful; we may question whether we’re doing the right thing. Self-doubt is often pointing to an unfulfilled wish. If that wish is for authentic connection we allow that desire to inform our actions.

Making embodied choices around how we use our attention makes a significant impact on our well-being. Imagine if all the energy we spent pining and yearning could be transformed. Imagine if we could pivot and create a more life-affirming environment in which to exist, relate. What all would be possible then?

Self as Gatekeeper

We give our power away when we assume that someone else will look after our needs, will validate our (often unnamed) experience. But the ignorance of the other is often what pushes us to reach for language, make meaning where there was chaos.

We must ultimately be our own gatekeeper. This is not a task we can outsource. When we allow this to happen we see that our feelings and emotions can unconsciously be used against us, that a sacred thing can be manipulated.

When we rely on our own knowing, the path to identifying our needs becomes clearer. We no longer get lost in the sea of co-dependency because we follow our own rhythms and we trust what we feel. And with this comes responsibility.

Reclaiming our true self starts with accepting that our process, our way of navigating our life, is rarely linear. We let ourselves off the hook when we allow that to be okay and release ourselves from perfection or martyrdom.

Gatekeeping means that we choose when to open and close, that we are able to stand in wisdom while meeting our states of mind with equanimity. That we have a right to say yes or to say no. And because we trust that our intentions are pure, we become the authors of our embodied expression.

Being with What Is

Sometimes our breath, our core self, feels inaccessible to us. It feels that it has gotten cut off in some way. This can be a very frightening feeling.

Recognizing that we have many different parts and that they each have different needs, allows us to work towards integration and wholeness. First, however, we must acknowledge that the feeling of fragmentation exists.

Core self often feels invisible in times of stress, during flight or flight response. This can cause us to feel imbalance, fear, disassociation. Physical symptoms may develop because our bodies are trying to over-compensate for what is missing, for an unmet need.

Somatic awareness asks that we slow down, notice, and not turn away. It asks, too, that we meet our pain with care and understanding. That we move from self-denial and neglect to true compassion and curiosity.

Curiosity keeps our focus on the present moment and introduces childlike wonder. If we can maintain open attention we will find out way to back to center, to a felt sense of ease. This allows all the parts to rest, to stop fighting for attention.

Being with what is creates psychic harmony, fosters a sense of trust, allows us to experience the world from a place of contentment. With this expanded view, our perception is altered. Where we once saw only darkness, we now see the possibility of color.

The Apologetic Other

When someone hurts us, either intentionally or unintentionally, we have a right to decide how we process the experience. Our feelings may include grief, anger, sadness, confusion. Some of these may express somatically as our bodies sift through and try to discharge any unwanted energy. We may feel unsettled and physically ill while this happens. We may be tempted to believe that these are permanent states, but they rarely are. Nothing is fixed, all things ebb and flow.

While sitting with these various emotions we may or may not expect or wish for an apology, an acknowledgement of our feelings. This is natural. The issue arises when we make more of an apology than it actually is. When we give it, or its messenger, special powers — when the apology becomes a way to negate our own truth.

We cannot continue to swallow what isn’t true. When we do this we literally poison ourselves; we inherit illnesses that are not ours and we lose our way. Our sense of self becomes blurred and we mimic the actions of a ghost which means that we exist only in the periphery.

When we take the energy of invisibility and we invert it we get something entirely, beautifully different. We remain unharmed as the apologetic other enters our space because we know who we are. Our loyalty is not something we owe. Our soul belongs only to us.

Encountering Playfulness

Even dark times are comprised of playful elements. To make space for laughter and joy, particularly when things are difficult, helps us get to the other side of whatever we may be going through.

Animals are great teachers of playfulness. I have two cats and one of them is still a kitten. All he cares about is play. He likes to eat and sleep but play is his top priority. It’s his full-time job. He finds things that he turns into toys: binder clips, feathers, bottle caps, lint. He explores, hides, runs, jumps and nibbles.

When we encounter play in others we are reminded of our own capacity for fun. Skilled doctors will often prescribe play to their stressed and over-worked patients. And since our culture is so hyper-focused on productivity we need these reminders.

We need permission because we’ve severed our connection to the childhood self. He/she loved to spend time getting lost in a game and rarely worried about missing a text or checking e-mail. Our priorities were different.

Returning to who we were takes practice; the pressure we feel in our daily lives becomes a great distraction. As we re-create the relationship with the young part of us, we can ask what it likes and get to know it all over again. We can ask the intuitive, sensitive, mischievous child to lead the way.