February 2017 | Page 2 of 3 | Sherisse Alvarez

Living in the Question

The nature of the mind is to try and understand, sort, fix. Sometimes our minds get so set on trying to force a solution. When that happens, our world can get very small very quickly. We feel trapped and without options.

To live in the question is to accept the fact that you don’t yet know, and to have faith that you will figure it out. You are without an answer and no amount of thinking will generate one. So you engage in a dance with inquiry and curiosity. You take on beginner’s mind. You imagine the canvas as blank.

When we are able to let go in this way, the answer comes to us. We not only see the situation in a new way, we also see that it’s not a black and white issue. We see that there is more than one right way to handle our problems.

But how do we achieve this when we are in pain or in a state of despair? We find, first, a way to lessen the charge: we unhook ourselves from the thing that is over-stimulating us. Quite often we simply need to walk away so our nervous system can “thaw out.” That may seem impossible to do but almost as soon as we leave that energy field, we feel a sense of relief.

When we are ready and have something to offer, we can choose to return. Sometimes all we offer is the question that is in our heart. It is alright to come to the table and say you don’t have it all figured out. This will give others permission to meet you there, right where you are in the moment. In that space exists the freedom to create something new, something not previously imagined.

Staying Awake in Relationship (Healing Reactivity)

In any relationship the less developed aspects of our personality will be mirrored back to us. We often cling to some notion of who we think we are. And in some circles we may in fact be that person: gracious and generous and kind. But in some relationships, particularly (ironically) those where there is greater intimacy, our buttons will get pushed and we will react in a way that alarms us.

We have all found ourselves there, in claustrophobic interactions where our desire for healthy communication gets undermined. Where we trip and fall and bump into reactivity. Tara Brach talks about pausing in those moments and asking yourself what it is you are believing. When I find myself in that tense place with a loved one, often what I am believing is that I am not enough.

I’ll give you an example of this. When someone speaks to me while I am writing, I perceive it as an interruption. I easily lose my concentration and as a result I feel irritated. Now, instead of pausing and gently explaining that I need solitude, I sometimes get angry and then frustrated with myself for becoming agitated. If I ask myself what the belief is, it’s that I don’t have enough time. And if I don’t have enough time I will fall behind; I will somehow be letting myself and others down.

I don’t have the emotional space in the heat of the moment to sort all of this out. But I can practice awareness and be better prepared. I might say, “Next time this happens, how can I respond differently?” I can ask the other person to help me stay awake and grounded in love. That may mean coming up with creative solutions that feel scripted and awkward at first. That is okay. Once we begin to show up fully, we begin to see the other as a whole being, capable and deserving of care. Communicating needs today means that there will be less to repair tomorrow.

On Pausing: The Art of Doing Nothing

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

–Viktor Frankl

When we feel uncertain we tend to just react. We think that doing will instantly make us feel better. Quite often, however, when we act prematurely we quickly experience remorse. A good preventive measure when we are unclear is doing nothing.

This doesn’t mean that we don’t care or that we settle. It simply means that we make some space for ease and grace to show up. If our bodies are tense, we wait for a more relaxed state to emerge. Sometimes something quite remarkable happens: we forget about the problem or situation. The obsession lifts.

Experiencing the range of our emotions in this way can be quite startling. We wonder how in one moment we can be filled with uncertainty (or fear or anger), and serenity the next. When we experience intense feelings it is as though we are hypnotized; we can’t imagine feeling any other way. It is a form of ignorance and it is what leads to violence on all levels.

We feel the charge of a disagreement in our cells. This is why we can feel sick or hungover after an argument. But something literally shifts in us when we are able to create distance. When that isn’t possible, we can also achieve subtle distance through breath, prayer, meditation, affirmations, or journaling. Different things will work depending on the environment and the quality of the situation.

Letting go ultimately liberates us, loosens our grip on expectations. It reveals to us that vulnerability is universal and that our hearts are all made up of the same stuff. It truly is like opening the windows so that we may expand our view. Nature is a very helpful model. Spend time with trees and mountains and sky. They all seem to have mastered the art and skill of doing nothing.

Making Room for the Unknown

The unknown cannot be imagined by our human mind. By definition, it is something we haven’t yet experienced. To conceive of the unknown, therefore, is to reduce otherwise limitless possibility.

There are many things, on a daily basis, that distance us from our potential. The obvious are big distractions, routine thoughts, self-harming behaviors. On a subtle level, however, we are impacted by our physical environment. Our surroundings play a crucial role in supporting our well-being.

Refining our approach to living is ultimately and essentially about balance. It’s about embodying open-heartedness. And subtle shifts, much like taking a deep breath in the middle of an argument, can change everything.

How we relate to the spaces we occupy – from our homes and neighborhoods to our cities and planet – will determine the extent to which we are open and available to change. And the unknown is all about adapting to change.

When you look around your living space, what do you see? Is this a friendly and nurturing space, or one that is cluttered and in disarray? What feelings are evoked when you think about being a guest in your home?

Take an inventory of everything you own. You can start by listing the items that you are most attached to. Ask yourself what need or value they support, and whether they bring you joy. If they aren’t necessary, clear them from your home. Give them away. See how making room creates clarity and invites in the unknown.

Doing Difficult Things

We can go for a long time avoiding things that make us uncomfortable. We can actually spend much of our energy pursuing things that are meant to keep us out of discomfort. The issue with this is that, sooner or later, we start to experience these things as buffers or substitutes. They aren’t the real thing. We long for more.

Disoriented, we wonder why these people/places/things have not brought us the happiness they seemed to promise. We feel let down, fooled. It may appear as though we have wasted precious time, deferred our dreams, put our life on hold.

So, what have we been avoiding? What were we so afraid of?

Facing ourselves – our deepest desires and fears, our questions and doubts – can actually feel quite lonely. It requires sitting with not knowing, engaging with our edges, bumping against our inner critics. Being with all of this also means delving into the experience of impermanence, the felt sense of beginning and ending. And middle. That murky middle.

Difficulty is inevitable. Throughout our life we will deal with many challenging and painful circumstances. But how do we approach difficulty that is “optional”? More than one person has likely suggested not making things more complicated than they need to be. The intention is a noble one; they want to spare us suffering.

But the fact is that these choices are ultimately our own, a necessary part of our path. And each opportunity, difficult or otherwise, is uniquely and totally ours. If we delay relating to discomfort, it will always find its way back in a different form. Like a child wanting to play, it will pursue us until it has our undivided attention.

Guided Affirmations on Self-Love

While looking in the mirror: You are loving and lovable.

While taking a shower or bath: my body is beautiful.

While resting in bed with one or both hands over your belly: I trust my intuition.

While sitting comfortably on the floor or in a chair: I am a divine child of god/goddess/the universe.

Hand-written: I have a divine purpose.

With gratitude: I have everything that I need.

With eyes closed: My mind is as clear as the sky.

While standing tall: My gifts have meaning and I share them with the world.

With both hands over your heart while imagining a precious stone: my heart is precious.

While smiling: I am blissful.

With an awareness of your breath and whole body: I am perfect health.

With upturned palms: I welcome abundance.

While commuting or walking on a crowded street: I attract kindness.

Silently, to a lover or friend: I see your radiance as well as my own.

Meditation and Disappointment

To face disappointment is actually to be presented with an opportunity. It is incredibly difficult to recognize this in the moment but reflection and meditation help us see this more clearly. They allow us to shift from anger or even depression to gratitude and learning.

When we meditate, particularly during a chaotic time, we are re-oriented. We move from confused mind to clear mind, sometimes extremely quickly. The hardest part is getting past our own resistance. Sometimes we have to trick ourselves just to sit down and be still. Or others of us have to hit a bottom or experience devastation before we will commit to practicing.

One of the gifts of meditation is that we hit pause on discursive thinking: we “mix our minds” with elevated states of being and make space where there was once constriction. When we are liberated from gnawing thoughts, we connect with our true potential. We also see that the object of our attention – that dispute you had with your partner or boss – is not at all the thing responsible for your mood. While it may have served as a trigger, ultimately it’s the mind which is creating our reality.

Recognizing that we are not that which we so cling to means, truly, thankfully, we can be anything we wish to be. What follows is that we stop giving away our power and our peace. The focus swings from out there to back in. Our energy returns; our bodies ache less; we stop blaming the weather, the traffic, the media. We just chill out. Quieting the noise of disappointment lets us drops into more subtle states of being. This is where the vibration of inner knowing resides. Where happiness waits patiently with a kiss.

Notes on Desire, Healing and the Body

“The dualities that desire seems to take for granted can be resolved through willingness to drop into the gap between them.” (Mark Epstein, M.D.)

“In the beginning, the pleasure of self-conquest is necessary. Let us not be afraid to desire it.” (Thomas Merton)

“Perfect joy excludes even the very feeling of joy, for in the soul filled by the object no corner is left for saying ‘I’.” (Simone Weil)

“Awareness means experiencing what is present without trying to change or interpret it.” (Peter A. Levine)

“Vibration is a basic phenomenon of nature.” (Bonnie Bainbridge Cohen)

“It’s as though our capacity to feel the sensations of the living body is limited also to the degree that memory is hidden away.” (Robert K. Hall, M.D.)

“We discover that our injuries are not beyond our reach. We can act on behalf of our own healing.” (Michael J. Salveson)

“Our consistent thinking patterns create our experiences. Therefore, by changing our thinking patterns, we can change our experiences.” (Louise L. Hay)

“This stabilized entity is what we now call our body, but we are basically movement without particularized boundaries.” (Emily Conrad Da’oud)

“…I ponder the ways metaphor and symbol concretize the spirit and etherealize the body.” (Gloria Anzaldúa)

Standing in Your Power

You can attempt to grasp it intellectually but to embody your power, you must move beyond imagination into the somatic. Expanding consciousness is not only centered in the mind, it is also inherently physical. Your spirit is enlivened when you can utilize your body in ways that awaken pleasure and tune the senses.

The truth is that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. We embrace the ups and downs, the imperfections, and all that comes with this human life. But we don’t have to take up residence in limited human views.

Standing in your power means recognizing the vastness of the universe and that you are a part of that. You are a wildly creative, authentic, radiant thing. How do you choose to translate and express that on the earthly plane?

As she steps into her power she mimics nature, a large tree with strong roots and many limbs and branches. She is simultaneously rooted in the ground while reaching expansively skyward.

Standing in your power affirms possibility, the palpable magic of soul. That you exist outside of time and are therefore not bound by it. What this means presently is that you have a high purpose. You are a channel for the experience of your choosing.

Awakening Flow

My whole body
has been a jaw
clenched too tight,
breath not taken,
a heart severed
from spirit.
I want to marry
all parts of me
polyamorously.

If we are to awaken flow we first must recognize that we have been asleep. That flow and spirit have been cut off. We must ask: what does it mean to truly return to our roots? To the root of essence. There are things we know how to do but we imagine they have “gone out of style” or can’t seem to make time for them.

We can start simply.

To reawaken flow is to go home and cook a delicious meal even if only for yourself, to read a book, make music. To reconnect with desire. And the things that currently block flow: anger or resentment or jealousy or fear. To just say, this is here and I am not these things. This is where I hurt and how I can heal.

These can be our teachers.

And the obstructions are where we have caved in, places in ourselves we’ve forgotten how to access. But we must venture there, into those dark rooms of the psyche. No other love can get into us if we don’t first penetrate the walls of resistance with self-love. Flow follows light.